Category: Q&A

An 800-year-old source on distancing yourself, and the honor obligation that survives even that.

Q. How should an adult act towards his parents who abuse him emotionally, psychologically, and/or physically?

Your question was addressed 800 years ago by R. Yehuda HaChasid (Sefer Chasidim, 343). He writes that if parents make it unpleasant for the adult child, it is better for all sides involved for the son to leave home and distance himself. It’s not good for the abusive parent to continuously maltreat, and it’s very difficult for the son to stay passive and not retaliate. You must be careful not to degrade your parents, for even though a parent can forego his honor (“kavod”, Kidushin 32a), the Sha’agat Arye (Turei Aven, see also Sefer Chasidim, 570) points out that they cannot forego “bizayon” (their dishonor, i.e. yir’ah). It is therefore prohibited to abuse them. So instead of degrading your parent, let them know that they leave you no choice but not to visit them. I would suggest trying to continue communicating with them on the condition that they know that as soon as they become abusive, you will need to terminate the conversation. If one parent is not abusive, obviously your connection with them could and should be different. If they don’t want contact with you, it’s unfortunately their problem and absolves you from your obligations. Hopefully this approach may drive home to your parents how much their behavior hurts you, and very well may even improve the situation. BTW, a child is allowed to go to a therapist and discussing the issue is not considered Lashon Hara, especially when the therapist doesn’t know your parents. Remember, the Living Torah is not only moral but also practical, and that’s part of her beauty.

The Meshech Chochma’s read on this exact complaint: it’s the modern Sin of the Spies.

Q. I love Israel but dislike Israelis. What should I do?

Unfortunately I can’t help you with your personal experiences which lead you to say such harsh things, but nevertheless, must point out that you have slipped into the “Sin of the Spies”. The Meshech Chochma stresses that G-d forgave idolatry (the Golden Calf), but does not forgive Cheit HaMraglim, speaking bad about the Land or her people, which may convince others not to make aliya! The Netziv stresses that the slander of the spies was true, but like in Lashon HaRah, that’s also forbidden. True, it takes a while to get used to any new culture or mindset, but to live with brothers in Israel is worth the effort! You’ll find a lot more “secular and immoral” people in America than in Israel, where 80% are religious or traditional. “Your People are all righteous; they will forever inherit the Land”. “I wish My children would be in the Land of Israel, even if they defile her!” (Yalkut Shimoni Eicha, 1038). “Happy are those who dwell in the Land of Israel, for they are without sin, whether on purpose or even accidental” (ibid, Tehilim, 833), for in Israel, G-d especially forgives. Israelis aren’t perfect, but nobody is (including yourself!), and you won’t find too many R. Aryeh Levin’s elsewhere. Where else can you count the average plumber and soldier for a minyan, as well as being obligated towards them in all mitzvot! Those Israelis whom you dislike are nevertheless, willing to give their life in the army, to save yours and your Land. The average American wouldn’t do that, especially if you’d dislike them in return! We tried more than 100 different countries over 1900 years, and objectively, the alternatives are a lot worse! The secret is to focus on their virtue (as demonstrated above) and give them the benefit of the doubt regarding things you’d like to overlook. Also, at least in the beginning, it’s easiest if you choose a neighborhood with people with your similar mindset.

Why an egg was the traditional choice, and the one common mistake that ruins it.

Q. Eruv Tavshilin when Rosh Hashana falls on Thur. and Fri.?

One isn’t allowed to prepare for Shabbat on the holiday, for each one deserves its own significance and shouldn’t be seen as a day of preparation for something more important. Accordingly, when a holiday comes out on Fri., or if Rosh HaShana falls on Thur. and Fri., in order to allow doing so, once must prepare the Eruv Tavshilin before the holiday (in our case of Rosh HaShana, on Wed.), and recite the proper blessing. By expressly preparing (through buying, or even better, cooking on Wed. itself) something cooked and something baked for Shabbat, already before the holiday, the halacha allows that family to “continue” cooking and baking on Fri., for the upcoming Shabbat. The cooked dish must be one that is often eaten with bread, for example meat or eggs (e.g. egg salad). The custom was to use eggs, for they could last the two and a half days (from Wed. to Sat.) without spoiling, even before there was refrigeration. However, one must be careful not to peel the egg before Shabbat, for one isn’t allowed to eat an egg or onion which was left unpeeled overnight, unless at least some of the peel remains, or unless one mixes the peeled egg with other ingredients, like salt or mayonnaise. Don’t forget to eat the Er. T. on Shabbat. Only if one accidentally forgot to make an Er. T., can he rely on the local rabbi who has in mind all those who forgot.

It’s not really about the nap — it’s about what the day is actually for.

Q. I heard of the custom not to sleep during the day on Rosh Hashana. If we’re in shul all morning, and The Ari zt”l (and the Mishna Brura) says it’s okay to sleep in the afternoon, so when’s it a problem?

The Rama cites the custom not to sleep from the Talmud Yerushalmi. Part of the idea is to set an energetic tone for the year, but also, how can one sleep as he’s approaching the heavenly court? To the contrary, this is the time to do as many good deeds as possible! The original custom, still followed in many places, is to pray at sunrise, the earliest possible time, which stresses the aforementioned aspect of our judgment, and explains the Ari zt”l who’s advising to wake up early. If your community davens later, there still is room to wake up at sunrise and learn Torah (especially mussar), say Tehilim, study the upcoming prayers, or simply contemplate what life is about, our priorities, how we’ll spend our upcoming year, etc.- all of which will influence the Heavenly decision regarding what our year will look like. Some have the custom to finish all of Tehilim on R.H. Most important, is to utilize the day for that introspection, and that’s why the poskim say that to waste time on R.H. is like sleeping it away. Accordingly, if you’re tired after prayer and the festive meal of wine and meat, and a short afternoon nap can energize you for a more productive afternoon, then by all means, do so. Wishing all of our readers and all Israel a Ktiva vaChatima Tova!

No spices, and sometimes no freshly-struck flame — the rules change depending on the day of the week.

Q. What’s different between the havdala after Yom Kippur and a regular Sat. night?

In a year when Yom Kippur falls on Shabbat, the havdala is just like a regular Motzai Shabbat (with spices, fire and introductory verses). But when during the week, we don’t smell the spices after Yom Kippur for that special soul-pleasure is reserved for after Shabbat. Also, there are 2 reasons given for blessing the fire: a. because fire was revealed to Adam on the 1st Sat. night, and b. to differentiate between fire which was kindled before Shabbat and “rested” (wasn’t used), as opposed to a new flame which is only allowed after havdala.

On a regular weekday Yom Kippur, only the 2nd reason applies, and therefore one must bless on a fire lit from a pre-lit 24-hour candle (the custom is to light a special 24-hour candle which will be used for havdala, whose fire/light existed in the world over Yom Kippur but “rested”. In short, one cannot bless on a weekday Yom Kippur on a flame newly lit from scratch from a match, nor on spices, and we don’t even begin with the opening verses (Hiney…)- just start with “Baruch Ata…. Boreh Pri HaGefen” on wine and then the “Baruch Ata… Hamavdil” blessing. But when Yom Kippur finishes on a Sat. night, havdala is identical (!) with a regular Sat. night havdala.

A ranked hierarchy of needs, and a Torah that obligates only the minimum a generation can bear to gradually elevate mankind spiritually and morally.

Q. Why does the Torah command sacrifice innocent animals?

There are universally accepted “ranks” of importance of life, and the needs of man supersede the needs of animals, which overtake the needs of vegetation. In all societies, they didn’t think twice before using animals for insulin to heal humans. Although it’s clear from the Torah that it’s preferable not to kill animals, as seen in the many “hints” to this affect (e.g. slaughtering painlessly, many detailed halachot which define the prohibition to hurt animals, not making a blessing upon buying leather…). Nevertheless, G-d doesn’t directly command us not to eat meat, but the aforementioned laws slowly raise mankind until we will be abhorred with the concept, and will voluntarily evolve to be vegetarians, returning to the pre-Noah ideal. The Torah obligates only the minimum, and to “over-obligate” morality before its proper time, would be artificial, irrelevant and accordingly, counterproductive. We must remember that the “eternal” ideals found in the Torah, means not only that the Torah applies to the modern world, but also the reverse: that it had to be relevant to the ancient world, as well! It would be anachronistic to expect Adam to suddenly manufacture clothing from cotton overnight, just as for Abraham or the Jews in the time of the Temples to serve G-d totally differently than that which was accepted in their time (animal sacrifice). Also, just as the prophets and the Jewish people have sacrificed greatly for the greater good of gradually advancing mankind to monotheism and morality, how much more so, it’s logical that animals also shared in this ultimately great burden. In short, moral and spiritual improvement (including fulfilling our need to feel we “give” to G-d) is considered a need of man, no less than our ingestion. [It’s important to also see our answer regarding whether there will be animal sacrifices in the future 3rd Temple.]

Four categories that sort out when ‘professional’ work is fine and when only a layman’s version is.

Q. What’s Actually Prohibited on Chol HaMo’ed?

Although not a regular holiday, one should wear nice clothes and eat special foods on Chol HaMo’ed. Additionally, many things aren’t allowed, unless it’s either: 1. “Davar ha’aved”, where one might lose out if he doesn’t do it now (for example, you’re allowed to write a phone number you might forget, fix a car that’s stuck where it might get stolen, photograph a family get-together, record a class, deposit a check that might “bounce” if you wait. In this category, even “professional” actions are allowed); 2. Holiday eating/body needs (you’re allowed to put on make-up, sharpen a knife or even fix an air-conditioner- even “professional” actions are allowed. Although regarding haircuts and laundry, there are special specific rabbinical prohibitions, so as to assure that people remember to do so before the holiday); 3. Holiday needs aside from eating/body needs (you’re allowed to drive or write a friend – even for pleasure, but in this category, only “layman” actions are allowed, but not “professional” one’s, like fixing a car, unless done with a recognizable “shinui”-change); 4. Communal needs (you’re allowed to work in a bank, fix a kibbutz car or public sewage- even where “professional” actions are necessary). In general one isn’t allowed to work unless it falls into one of the above categories, but sometimes, if one will be fired, it’s considered “losing out” so it may be allowed. We’ve summarized the basics so that you’ll have some idea when it’s necessary to ask your rabbi on specifics.

A perfect G-d doesn’t need honor — reverence is framed here as entirely for our own benefit.

Q. What is the relationship between Mercy and Reverence for G-d?

Our monotheistic G-d is, by definition, perfect and doesn’t lack anything. Accordingly, the obligatory reverence (Dvarim 10, 20) is for our benefit, not for His “needs”. We are clearly not talking about some egoistical honor-craver, but a loving and merciful perfect G-d, who knows that through awe, we will admire and want to emulate His ways, to be that much more “merciful (!) gracious, tolerant […]”). In addition, the best way we can slightly understand G-d’s traits is through the allegory of the father and child. A good father may sometimes warn his child from doing wrong, and occasionally threaten to punish, in order to deter and convince the child to act nicely (even though he clearly, mercifully, would prefer not to carry out the threat). That’s reverence. That being said, that same Father is good and merciful, and accordingly will be patient, tolerantly giving another chance (e.g. He sent many prophets over several centuries (!) to warn us before sending us to exile); sometimes lessening the punishment from the original threat; willing to forgive as soon as there is a sincere resolve to improve; and eventually, if need be, redeem Israel, out of love and mercy, even if we don’t repent or deserve it (e.g. Yechezkel 36). Any parent will attest that it is neither beneficial nor merciful towards your children to give them everything they want, or never to discipline. For we children, who have and want free will, lack self-discipline, and need “Parental” guidelines.

Rishonim split sharply — and the many who accept it treat it as an answer to unjust suffering.

Q. Is there any aspect of Judaism that accepts the concept of reincarnation?

There is a difference of opinion among our greatest rabbis whether there is reincarnation or not. R. Sa’adya Gaon, R. Yosef Albo, and R. Chasdai Kreskas for example, believe that after life, one goes to the World to Come where his soul enjoys those spiritual pleasures until, if he merits, he reawakens in the Revival of the Dead. They believe there is no reincarnation coming back to this world, as we know it. In contrast, many of our greatest mainstream rabbis, including the Ramban, R. B’chaye, R. Yizchak Abravanel, and the Zohar explicitly speak of reincarnation, where one may be given the choice to return to this world to “try again”, and improve himself and his free will, rather than undergoing the difficult intensive educational punishment of hell (gehinom) for 12 months. They see this as an occasional answer to the age-old question of why bad things sometimes happen to good people. Like a child compared to an adult, man, compared to G-d, clearly doesn’t see the entire picture of what happened before (maybe in a previous life), nor after (in the World to Come), and accordingly often can’t see the justice or benefit derived from a certain occurrence or life, which is now hidden from him. Sometimes he may even request a little assistance, to return with a certain limitation or handicap which may have prevented him, in a previous life/lives, from improving a particular given field (such as speech, not to slander, etc.)

Driving lessons, hotel bookings, missed workdays — the halacha of a sudden reserve call-up.

Q. Many monetary questions arose as a result of the sudden war and the last-minute call-ups of the military reserve soldiers. Must we pay for the unexpected cancelation of a driving lesson, hotel reservation or lost work days?

In general, both sides must clearly keep their end of just about any agreement. The Torah knows that life is much nicer in a society when one’s word is honorable, and accordingly, we can honor and trust each other. Nevertheless, if the situation changes unpredictably, the side which must pull back can do so. Accordingly, if you couldn’t make a driving lesson do to a call-up, you don’t have to pay for that lesson. Similarly, if you couldn’t make it to work, the business can’t hold it against you to fire you, but they don’t have to pay your salary for those missed days (unless the government passes explicit directives, which they often do, after military campaigns). Likewise, if you cancelled the reservation because of your husband’s call-up, you don’t have to pay the hotel for something you didn’t use. On the other hand, if you didn’t call the hotel immediately to cancel, and waited until it was too late for them to avail the room for others, than you must pay the hotel (not the entire original cost, but just the loss of profit they incurred). [Based upon R. U. Sadan]