Three explanations for an old custom, and why it’s often better left unmentioned to a non-religious family.
Q. Is it true that for a stranger to say kaddish without a fee has no benefit for the soul?
There obviously is benefit for the soul when every kaddish is said, even without pay. What you heard is probably based upon the Beit Yosef (Y.D. 403) where it seems that for one who isn’t a relative, it is preferred that he be paid. The following explanations are suggested: a. There is that much more merit for the mitzvah of the deceased when he or his family have personally influenced or induced a mitzvah, even through pay. That way it can clearly be considered that they have a part in the mitzvah.
b. The “kaddish-sayer” will feel more of an obligation and will be that much more conscientious in saying it properly and with the proper concentration (kavana).
c. It is usually a relatively poor person who supports himself through such an “occupation”, and therefore, one adds the mitzvah and merit of charity.
In any event, it’s always better, if there are sons, for them to say the kaddish.
In addition, if the family isn’t religious, and they may not understand the aforementioned explanations, and may even resent the fee. This may cause a chilul Hashem (disgracing G-d’s Name) and accordingly, it’s better not to ask for a fee, for a chilul Hashem is one of the most severe transgressions, and surely disturbs the honor of the deceased.
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